The thing is, today didn't feel like it was going to be a bad day. It started with my regular put off all chores and be ridiculously tired and opt for cozy over classy outfit decision. I got to school, had my normal walk in and talk. The only difference was, this red headed kid named Ryan came and sat at our table, next to his ex girlfriend Anastasia. Now everytime I talked I could see from the sides of my vision that he was looking at me. It was the regular, these people suck in my life, rant of the morning, and everyone was laughing and looking at strange facebook pictures of all the creepy couples in the building. We left the cafeteria when the bell rang and I was going to head to my learning lab when I saw Blasi and Amity and I stood and talked to him. Then waltzes over red head Ryan and he starts talking about me to Blasi, right next to me.
"This girl is the biggest trash talker I have ever heard. It's unbelievable."
I tried to play it off as funny, like I wasn't faced, but I couldn't keep it together. He continued.
"I know people who trash talk but she said all that with just one person. Unbelievable."
It was so odd and made me feel like such a bad person.
Then later, I asked Amity if I was a bad person, and she said, "No. You do gossip a lot, but you're not a person. Though, if what someone says bothers you, and you know there's some truth to it, maybe it's time for some self-evaluation."
And I don't know, it freaking bothered me. Now I'm not saying he lied, because I am a bitch, and when my life sucks, I like to talk to my friends about how crappy everyone else is to take my mind off of it. The thing that bothered me was that I don't even know this 'Red Ryan'. And the fact that, from one morning with me, he officially decided that I was some trash-talking bully, kind of wounded me. I hated the fact that was his first real impression of me.
From then on I had an awful migrane the whole day, my head felt like it was too heavy for my neck to deal with, I almost fell asleep in Genocide class, and I think I've forgotten everything I ever knew in Chemistry. Not to mention, I have two projects, as well as a Capstone deadline at the end of this week, my clothes are not clean at all, and I think I have no true friends.
I came to the conclusion that I talk about other people all the time, because I never have anything to say about my own state. I am always in emotional turmoil, but it's not because there's anything exciting or at all interesting in my life. It's just because I'm a dramatic person who wants something interesting to happen so I just focus on the things around me that are outrageous. And I have no adventures of my own. I literally do nothing overly exciting. Now don't get me wrong, I am totally grateful for the life I live. Loving family, free education, more than enough of the essentials, dope hair. All good things. But I keep on feeling like stuff should be happening, which might have to do with the fact that I am surrounded by things happening to everyone else but me, and I just wish I had something to share. I have been on one date. I have never been to a real high school party. My last sleepover was freshman year. The only person I have ever kissed was on stage at one acts forced for our performance. The last time I had a job was sophomore year. The last time I had a 'boyfriend' was eighth grade. I can't drive. I've never been to a concert. All of my friends go hang out with eachother, but I am never invited. I am always at home, looking at all their fun on their various social media sites with lovely photographic reputation of their happiness. It sucks. I just really feel alone a lot. And when I get to college, that feeling's going to get 6,000 times worse, because I won't have the comfort of reyesfam5 to keep me from completely spiraling into loneliness. But we'll see. I shouldn't sell my senior year short yet. There's still almost three months unlived. And, God willing, they'll be marvelous.
Signed,
Tatiana
"This girl is the biggest trash talker I have ever heard. It's unbelievable."
I tried to play it off as funny, like I wasn't faced, but I couldn't keep it together. He continued.
"I know people who trash talk but she said all that with just one person. Unbelievable."
It was so odd and made me feel like such a bad person.
Then later, I asked Amity if I was a bad person, and she said, "No. You do gossip a lot, but you're not a person. Though, if what someone says bothers you, and you know there's some truth to it, maybe it's time for some self-evaluation."
And I don't know, it freaking bothered me. Now I'm not saying he lied, because I am a bitch, and when my life sucks, I like to talk to my friends about how crappy everyone else is to take my mind off of it. The thing that bothered me was that I don't even know this 'Red Ryan'. And the fact that, from one morning with me, he officially decided that I was some trash-talking bully, kind of wounded me. I hated the fact that was his first real impression of me.
From then on I had an awful migrane the whole day, my head felt like it was too heavy for my neck to deal with, I almost fell asleep in Genocide class, and I think I've forgotten everything I ever knew in Chemistry. Not to mention, I have two projects, as well as a Capstone deadline at the end of this week, my clothes are not clean at all, and I think I have no true friends.
I came to the conclusion that I talk about other people all the time, because I never have anything to say about my own state. I am always in emotional turmoil, but it's not because there's anything exciting or at all interesting in my life. It's just because I'm a dramatic person who wants something interesting to happen so I just focus on the things around me that are outrageous. And I have no adventures of my own. I literally do nothing overly exciting. Now don't get me wrong, I am totally grateful for the life I live. Loving family, free education, more than enough of the essentials, dope hair. All good things. But I keep on feeling like stuff should be happening, which might have to do with the fact that I am surrounded by things happening to everyone else but me, and I just wish I had something to share. I have been on one date. I have never been to a real high school party. My last sleepover was freshman year. The only person I have ever kissed was on stage at one acts forced for our performance. The last time I had a job was sophomore year. The last time I had a 'boyfriend' was eighth grade. I can't drive. I've never been to a concert. All of my friends go hang out with eachother, but I am never invited. I am always at home, looking at all their fun on their various social media sites with lovely photographic reputation of their happiness. It sucks. I just really feel alone a lot. And when I get to college, that feeling's going to get 6,000 times worse, because I won't have the comfort of reyesfam5 to keep me from completely spiraling into loneliness. But we'll see. I shouldn't sell my senior year short yet. There's still almost three months unlived. And, God willing, they'll be marvelous.
Signed,
Tatiana
